The Men’s Right’s Movement is a remarkably misguided community. Though the name sounds pleasant enough (who doesn’t want men to have rights?), the movement itself is a hotbed of misogyny. As an example, one of the beliefs frequently passed around is that women are incapable of feeling love, or of exhibiting logic. The emphasis on the movement is not to create equality, but rather to return to the inequality of the olden days, when old men could marry young women and expect them to cook and clean.

As a woman with a deep love of logic, I reject their reality. I’ve known both men and women who rely on ‘gut instinct’ over ‘logical deduction’ and I’ve known both men and women who are always ‘monkey-swinging’ or rather, looking for their next partner before their current one knows that they’re finished. These behaviors don’t seem particularly gender exclusive to me, though honestly, few behaviors do.

Despite my incredulity at the MRM, I end up interacting with MRA’s more often than I’d like. Either because they troll one of my online accounts, or because I plummet into the depths of their movement in my futile attempts to understand the logic.

It’s in these information gathering attempts that I’ve gained some insight into the Men’s Right’s Movement. Like most movements, there are some small kernels of truth buried in  the rambling hate passages. The problem is that they’ve misattributed their suffering to feminism, and instead of working to correct the problems that are at the root of the issues, they’ve decided to throw themselves Quixote-like into windmills.

I believe that feminism can actually take the few good issues that the MRA’s raise and address the root cause and solution better than the MRA’s have. And I think we should. Feminism for me has always been about true equality, and the belief that understanding our cultural biases and addressing them leads to a better society.

 Male Rape Victims Exist

While male rape victims do not exist in  the numbers of female victims, they do exist. In numbers much larger than we’ve considered before. While many of these victims are the victims of pedophiles or the victims of prison violence, there are a large number of men who say that they have experienced rape within the context of a romantic relationship.
Women raping men is sometimes added as a ‘comedic’ storyline, rather than depicted as the crime that it is.
Women are conditioned to view a rejection of sex as a rejection of them, as we’re taught that men are visual creatures, and that if they see an attractive women they simply can’t help themselves. As opposed to saying that really, sexual attraction is complicated for both genders. As a result of this cultural myth, when women are rejected they are more likely to internalize this, asking questions like “am I ugly?”
Occasionally in media like tv shows and comics, a situation that would be immediately identified as problematic were it to be gender-flipped gets a pass. One notorious example of this would be Jennifer Aniston’s character in Bad Bosses (which I never saw, because of the previews which made it clear exactly what was going to happen.) In her scenes, she sexually harasses her assistant, asking about the size of his penis, and uses the hand of a passed out patient to grope her boob.  Just as a reminder, people who are under the influence cannot consent.
This is supposed to be ‘funny’ because Jennifer Aniston is a traditionally attractive woman, and the idea of her aggressively sexually pursuing a man is comedic. It’s not, because if we genderflipped it, we would be able to more accurately see it as a sexual assault. A repeated sexual assault. Not to mention a hostile workplace. But instead we’re supposed to laugh it up, because the guy she’s assaulting is so ‘beta’ and just wants to love his wife but now this ‘bitch’ is sexually pursuing him.
The one good mark I’ll give it is that Jennifer Aniston is supposed to be villainous. But she’s not portrayed as someone who should be on a sex offenders list. And that’s where the problem is. Unfortunately this is just one example of a problem that is starting to be called out, but which still seems to get a pass from many viewers.

How This is Caused by A Sexist Society:

We are told from a young age that men are the sexual aggressors and women play defense. Men who are sexually passive or uninterested are depicted as punchlines, as are women who are sexually aggressive.
When those two are combined, a situation that is deeply problematic is shown as ‘comedy gold’ a double-whammy of tried and true comedic techniques. Likewise when stories about an attractive female teacher having sex with her underage students comes out, people are more likely to say “lucky guy!” instead of “that’s not okay.”
Men are told that they’re never allowed to not want it, while women are told that they’re never allowed to want it. Men are convinced that if they do want it, they’re going to have to trick the object of their desire, like a mountain lion running down a deer. And women are convinced if they pursue men, those men will be turned off. A position that is supported by current reactions, but only because men have been told that women don’t have the sexual appetite of a man, and that if a woman does…then something must be wrong with her.
Women are also told that men will always want sex. And that if they don’t, there might be something wrong with the relationship. The majority of men who said they had been raped by a woman also said it was within the confines of an intimate relationship. And no wonder when women’s magazines are full of such winners as “surprise your man with a blow job!” and “try sticking a finger up his butt.”
Surprise sexual contact shouldn’t be portrayed as romantic, and yet it is.

How the MRM is Failing to Address it:

The Men’s Right’s Movement falls down on its face when they continue to adhere to the sexual paradigms of yore. The ones where men always want sex, and they don’t care who with, and where women have to be convinced and coerced into having sex. They talk about how attractive women are always wanted, and how men can’t help but stare at a woman in attractive pants.
They also argue that marriage is supposed to be a contract wherein the man provides caring and the woman provides sex on tap. You can read this if you don’t believe me. I don’t recommend it without a full bottle of vodka though. The fact that a group of men large enough to be considered a movement believe this will probably leave you double-checking your locks and refusing to leave the house for a few days.
Perpetuating this point of view is always going to create a scenario where men feel ‘wrong’ for not wanting sex, and where women view sex as a ‘thing’ they give to men. Not something they’re allowed to want or satisfy on their own.
In addition, several Men’s Right’s Activists argue that rape is simply a natural part of culture (these are usually the idiots who fall back on evolutionary theory to explain humanity) and are only mentioning that men have been raped as a way of saying “see, it’s not sexist, it’s happening to both genders.”

How To Correct It:

Consent Culture is actually doing an a plus job of this, so we just need to make it clear that consent needs to be granted by both parties. You really shouldn’t surprise someone with oral sex…because that’s assault. If you’re getting miffed because you and your partner enjoy doing that, just think…you probably started with a consent conversation. At some point one of you said “you know what I love? I love being surprised with oral sex.”
Other things people can do is remember that anything short of an enthusiastic ‘yes’ is a ‘no’ or a ‘not now’ and that ‘no’ is the end of a conversation, not the beginning of negotiations.
Likewise, we as a society need to work on the way we see sex. In one of my favorite TED talks, Al Vernacchio calls for a new metaphor for sex. What if sex weren’t like baseball or hockey, or any sport where there is a winner and a loser. What if sex were like getting a pizza? Where we ask each other in advance, know that a ‘not tonight’ isn’t a failure on our part, and can talk honestly and openly about what we want on our pizza together.
I want to live in Al’s world. And I think our attitudes about sex would all be a lot better if we did.

The Selective Service Must Either Be Abolished or Made Gender Inclusive

Ah. The Selective Service. Despite there not being a draft since 1973, MRA’s frequently bring up having to enroll in The Selective Service as being one of the more sexist aspects of society.
And honestly, it is pretty messed up.
For those who, like me, were born female and didn’t have to enlist, here is a short run-down of The Selective Service.
Though we have not had a draft, and are not likely to have a draft, any time in the future, if we were to have a draft, all men from the ages of 18.5-25 would be entered into a lottery. Days are pulled out of a hat, and if you’re born on that day you have to report for duty. If they were drawn and were physically capable they would be called to active duty in our military. Like the Hunger Games, but real.
Women are not required to enlist, and presumably could not be drafted.
This has been a hotbed of contention since 1940, and even though in 1982 seventy percent of Americans supported women enlisting in the selective service, the amendment was shot down. The people who defeated the bill?
People who believed that women belonged at home, shouldn’t be working at all, and were worried about female harlots spreading venereal disease amongst service men.
Fucking seriously.

How This Is Caused By A Sexist Society:

Women, though always tangentially involved in the military, have only be allowed to truly enlist fairly recently. It wasn’t until 1976 that a group of women was allowed to be admitted into a U.S. Military academy, and it wasn’t until 2013 that we ended the ruling that prevented women from being in combat. Equality is still not guaranteed in the military, with only 78% of the positions in the military being open and available to women. Still, now that women can serve in combat, numerous feminists have drafted petitions to support women being required to sign up for the Selective Service.
The draft has not been reexamined since women were allowed in combat.
Interestingly, the MRA’s don’t seem to believe that women can or should be allowed in combat, and continuously ask whether or not women would be capable of doing things like lifting a fallen comrade.
For the record, that is not part of the physical exam for the army.
The physical requirements of the army could actually be passed by a large number of people, men and women, as they just aren’t particularly demanding.

How the MRM Fails to Address this:

So far their technique has been to sue the selective service for discriminating against men. Which is ineffective and unlikely to change anything. What they want is to win a gender discrimination lawsuit. It would be far easier to abolish the draft, and the majority of Americans and feminist groups already support it being extended to women.  It’s really more of a gesture than anything, and a gesture that allows them to continue to make some pretty outrageous claims.
Like that men go out to war and die to protect women. Ignoring that, as evidenced above, women have been fighting for the right to protect ourselves for sometime.

How We Can Correct It:

Women have had to fight tooth and nail for every freedom that they’ve gotten in the military, and they’ve fought hard. If we accept that men and women are equal, then fighting for the right for women to pursue a career in the military makes sense. Likewise, we need to either get rid of the draft entirely, or make it gender neutral.
We need to fight against notions that women can’t be strong.

Or that men need to protect women. Women are perfectly capable and willing of protecting women, and considering your fees for protection are sex on demand…I think we’d rather pass.

This is part one of a several part series detailing the issues affecting men as part and parcel of living in a sexist society and how the feminist movement just addresses it better.
If you have a topic you think the MRM covers better, feel free to post it below and I’ll be more than happy to research it. And include it in future posts.

Next up: Child Custody and Domestic Violence. Should be a blast.